How much do you reaaallly like yourself?

'Tis another journal question for Spiritual Director. They dig deep. They hit home...

Do you like yourself as much as you want others to like you?

            ... a tricky yet timely question. I’ve been examining recently my desire to be liked by everyone; where it stems from, how powerful it is, and what purpose it serves. My people pleaser sub-personality plays a key role in my apparent need to be liked by others. Wanting to be liked from this perspective, however, comes from a place of lack, a perceived idea that I alone am not good enough and therefore need approval from others to be validated as a worthy human being. Coming from this energy, how could I possibly like myself?

As I do my work this is shifting. I understand on an intellectual level that I am the universe in person yet I continue to work toward feeling this on a visceral level; to let is sink through my neurons, down my spine into my bones, sinew, blood, and flesh, until I can espouse the notion in every fiber of my being. Maybe then I will like myself more. Right now, as I work towards seeing myself as I really am, I strive to be easy on myself and practice self-compassion. I ask myself, “Whom must you live with for the rest of your life?”  Oh! Only me. Then what matters more: liking myself or being liked by others? Myself, of course. Ah, but the existential fear of rejection screeches like a banshee, tearing me from my grounded zone of Universal love, if ever I can get there. When I feel like I have gained ground in my attempts at redemption from self-pity, I swoop back down the curve of the spiral and wind up in a familiar place with just slightly more knowledge. This is the nature of the search, and soon I will be propelling myself up the spiral, happy as a lark. And larks are cute. I can like a lark. Larks are happy regardless of who likes them. Maybe someday I will get there.